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How to argue like someone who is not an idiot (LIKE ME)

June 15, 2012
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Another flawless victory!

I like to think of myself as an experienced surfer of the webs; think silver surfer but approximately ten times wittier and smarter but 100 times less invulnerable and powerful. I can proudly say that I know over 10000 internet memetics and that I can draw upon a long and distinguished history of calling people out on their pleb opinions on a regular basis. I also like to post enlightening comments, in the comments section of youtube, such as: “Hi i’m sorry but I’m really scared! ~If you don’t repost this comment in five other videos then your dog will be eaten by possessed tree-house in the next full moon~” as well as the classic: “I’m only 16 and I think the music of the 70’s was the best! I hate Justin Bieber!”. I call people idiots on Yahoo Answers ALL.THE.TIME and I always wade neck-deep (courageous!) into every discussion I find regarding religion, racism and abortion, expressing my opinions loudly and proudly even if I’ve only just arrived! That takes guts.

As you might expect, this has made me very experienced in debating with other people and, as such ,I have many skills that might be of use to you. So without wasting time, here are my PRO TIPS FOR WINNING ARGUMENTS ON THE INTERNET AND IN REAL LIFE.


1. ALWAYS use the “strawman technique” when you can.

My debating sensei taught me this one and I’ve never forgotten it. This is an extremely useful way of arguing because you don’t have to argue with anyone at all! It sounds easy because it really is! Wow! Often people don’t even realise that they are doing it! Ok here it is: instead of listening to what your opponent has to say (BORING), pretend he’s someone else and argue against that person instead (FUN!) Often your opponent will spend so much of their time explaining which positions they don’t support that before they realise it they’ve already lost. HAHAHA! I WIN.

Examples:

Person A: “I think it should be sunny more often.”

Person B: “If it was sunny all the time then crops would die and people would dehydrate to death, I think that’s a terrible idea.”

Person A: “I think that we should tax co2 emissions and greenhouse gasses to prevent global warming.”

Person B: “What are people going to do without cars? This is ridiculous.”

Protip: It’s called the strawman argument because when you show to everyone how ridiculous the opponent’s argument really is, his position literally falls apart like straw. It’s also sometimes called the EXTREME MAN technique because it’s so hardcore!

2. Attack your opponent instead of their argument.

The last thing you want to do is have to think about whether their argument is better than yours. Not only is it BORING but it also means that if you’re already thinking that your opponent might be right then you have ALREADY LOST!!!Calling them gay is a great start but be aware that you might need to highlight their past indiscretions and call them hypocrites as well.

Examples:

Person A: “I think that pornography should be more strictly regulated. Studies have shown that early exposure to pornography is bad.”

Person B: “That’s rich coming from a deviant like yourself!”

This kind of technique works GREAT in politics. If you ever get elected in the UK be sure to remember this top tip!!

3. Compare them to Hitler!! (100% success rate).

Examples:

Person A: “I think society should be more secular”
Person B: “What are you.. HITLER???”

Person A: “I don’t think Jedwood should be allowed to perform at the Eurovision song contest anymore.”
Person B: “What are you…. HITLER???”

Person A: “I think it would be a good idea to exterminate all the jews.”
Person B: “What are you…. HITLER???”

Protip: Remember, even if their point is perfectly valid, if it resembles snything that Hitler might have done then it is WRONG. This also works with anything else that’s bad! E.g. “That’s the kind of thing they do in Saudi Arabia”. (See because Saudi Arabia is a very evil place anything they do MUST be bad!)

4. Use buzzwords to shut down their arguments.

This is clever because they become so ashamed that they won’t want to discuss things with you anymore. Also, you almost never need to explain why you think they are a _____ because the stigma alone is enough!

Examples:

“Fascist!”
“Europhile!”
“Racist!” (This one ALWAYS WORKS)
“Well that’s just what a communist WOULD say”
“You’re such a typical atheist”
“Ha, she’s just a religious nut”
“That’s homophobic!”
“Freedom hater!”
“That’s islamapobic!” (This is a new one!)

Protip: Keep reading!

5. Claim that you find their opinion offensive.

This is a good technique for when you can’t think of anything!

Examples:

Person A: I think that homeopathic hospitals shouldn’t be publicly funded.
Person B: I find that extremely offensive.
Person A: I take what I said back.
Person A: Awesome!

6. Call him/her a hater.

This is good because haters just hate! They never have valid opinions! I actually taught Ferne Cotton this technique after people told her that she sucked at presenting on Jubilee day. 3000 complaints instantly neutralised! Sweet!

7. Appeal to your past for sympathy.

This one is simple so I’ll just give examples:

I’m from a working class family and I worked very hard to get where I am today.

Actually Ferne Cotton used this one as well! Good job!

8. NEVER try and reach the common ground.

Never compromise! Arguing is very much a win or lose, zero sum, game. My sensei taught me that what’s important is not to bring your opponent closer to your side but to defeat them utterly!!

9. Use weird analogies and old sayings to prove your opponent wrong.

Old sayings always work because people in the past were wise and their sayings still totally apply today.

Examples:

Person A: I believe that global warming is flawed and that scientists are colluding to keep fuel prices up.
Person B: Well they say that you can bring a donkey to water but you can’t convince donkeys to drink and then let you ride home on its back whilst passing through two eyes of the rabbit.
Person A: What?
Person B: I WIN.

Person A: I propose technique C because it means I can study and work at the same time!
Person B: You’re trying to have your cake and eat it!
Person A: You’re right, it was a bad idea.

So there you have it, these are the pro techniques that I have used most often to defeat my enemies on the Internet. Be sure to always remember them, you never know when you’ll have to use this power! Hopefully when all is settled you can stand up, proud of your superior logic and factual knowledge and proclaim…..

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